The tree and flirting!

So today we went to get our Christmas tree. Actually, I just wanted to see how much they were and find out if it was something I could spend money on right now. For those of you who know me well, you know how important the tree is. During the worst years, if I had at least a Christmas tree, everything seemed better or at least hopeful. This is Toby's first Christmas and possibly Caesar's last, so the tree meant something extra special. The guy first told me seventy something dollars and I felt quite sad inside about it. We got chatting and then we got flirting. Magically, the tree became $28 dollars!! So. . . it is home and decorated!! Toby kept staring at me wondering why in the world I brought a potty inside for him!! After I turned on the lights, he crawled underneath to lay down!! It was so cute. Caesar joined him shortly after and I caught the picture with my phone!! I love Christmas. It's a time of kindness and hope. This year, it was a time for flirting with the cute tree guy who asked me why I wasn't married!! LOLOL. Mainly, it's a reminder that God loves us and we are never alone. We are also reminded of the importance of our blessings and our families!!

Pay it Forward

Okay everyone. . . I just joined a Pay it Forward exchange and am seeking people who want to do the same. The catch? Really isn't one. Post me a message that you want to join in and I'll send you a little gift. . . then. . . you PAY IT FORWARD to someone else. You do this in the same way by posting a message on your own blog. You're it!!

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was really enjoyable this year. I had a chance to get together with both my uncles and their families. My grandparents were also able to come visit from Scottsdale, which is a great treat for all of us!!! I swear that every time I see the kids in our family, they look so much older. Maybe I'm just getting really old!! I'm to grateful this year. . . more than other years because this year has brought me so much hope. Last Thanksgiving I remember telling myself that it would be my last grossly fat Thanksgiving. I never imagined I would weigh 160 pounds less the next year and how much of a difference that weight loss would make in the quality of my life!! While I'm still fat, it wasn't about the food this year, though it was great (thanks Mitch and Kris). It was about the people. In the past I felt so uncomfortable with teh way I looked that I focused on eating because then I didn't have to talk to anyone or notice that people were watching the fat girl eat. It was as though I could become invisible. It's the first year that the day didn't result in overeating and overwhelming exhaustion from a tryptophan (sp) high!! It was nice just to chat with family and PARTICIPATE a bit more. I feel so much less like a freak!! I also got a new member of my family this year . . . my little dog, Toby. He is so much fun and I am so grateful to be trusted with his care. My older dog, Caesar, has had some health problems this year and is still with me. I'm afraid it will be his last Christmas; however, I'm so glad that I was able to have him in my life this long!! I am so lucky to have my boys! I also have a new job, which I am really enjoying so far (of course I have only been there three days). I wasn't looking for a new job, but had prayed to know where Heavenly Father wanted me to be where I could feel a sense of purpose. The next day i met the CEO of the company and the rest is history!! Well. . . it's actually the present now!! It is a remarkable opportunity, the pay is higher, and it is a career path and not just another job. I work with people close to my own age and who are all so friendly. I have also been able to truly understand the power of prayer this year!! Never before in my life have I had such a close relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know he listens to me and loves me. I also know that he wants me to be happy and blesses me every day. It has taught me that I can't just sit back and hope for good things to happen. i have to ASK and be OPEN to them. They have been all around me, but I wasn't watching for them or taking the opportunities when they arise. I love my family . . . immediate family and extended. I am blessed to still have grandparents on this Earth and to have three uncles and aunts!! Thank you to any who read this, because you are people who have enriched and blessed my life! Many of you have provided answers to my prayers in one way or another. Never forget the power one person can make!!

First Day DONE

I really like the people I met at my new job today! Great bunch of people and I can't wait to get settled into my actual job!! So far, the HR director told me I will be in charge of FMLA for the business, which is pretty cool!! I will be doing a lot of research on that in the next two days!! I look forward to that because research is really my thing!! Anyway. . . I was glad I asked for a blessing yesterday and a few friends online helped me feel less stressed before I went to bed (thanks Amy and Brian)!!! OOH. . . the good thing is that my ID badge picture turned out really cute!! I looked at it and thought, "It's a change for me not to be grossed out." LOL. I'll see if I can get a copy of it to post.

Updated slide show - Don't know how to get it to just stay on one section of the page!!

OH SO NERVOUS!!

I start my new job in the morning and I am SO terrified!! What if I don't do well? What if they think I'm an idiot?? It's a new profession for me and I have very little experience in HR!! I rarely take them, but tonight I took a valium because I was stressed out. For those of you who know me well, you know I stress out about things that are unknown to me. The more I know about something beforehand, the less anxiety I feel. I think it comes from never knowing what was going to happen as a kid. OR. . . I'm just a control freak!! I didn't know who to call for a priesthood blessing because I don't have home teachers and my brother works. I asked someone I trust at church today and it was helpful until just a few minutes ago when the anxiety set in again. It's scary leaving the security of state employment, even if I had difficulty relating to a coworker or two (haters) LOL. Now, I'm at the mercy of a private company that may or may not lay me off!! I just have to trust that Heavenly Father wouldn't put this job in my lap to punish me! It is with a lot of faith and trust that I accepted and in many ways, I just want to NOT be the new girl and just know my job already!! So. . . if you pray (to whomever you believe) would you please say a little prayer for me??? Thanks all!

The hair cut

I couldn't stand the straggly hair anymore and decided to get some help with it today. I had about three inches chopped off and it finally feels a little less thing now that the ends are even. At least it will be easy!! With all the new growth I have a ton of little flyaways!!

No skiing today

My poor brother had to cancel today. I could tell he felt bad about it, but of course I was initially selfish and upset because I was so excited to go. It's all good and we are going on the 29th. So. . since this was supposed to be my reward for 157 pounds gone, I'm going to get a massage today instead. My insurance will pay part of it so it will be great!! I LOVE massages!!

157 POUNDS GONE!!

Tomorrow is my first day skiing!! I'm so excited and crazy nervous at the same time. My old high school friend, Michelle Gaillard, loaned me a pair of ski pants and I bought some thermal underwear. Now I'm set!!! It was so fun to talk to Michelle and her husband, Sam, tonight!! They are great people and a few times I had to remind myself that Michelle and I aren't 17 anymore!! Thanks for the loaner and even more. . . for the great company, Michelle!

WAHOO

156 pounds gone!!! I only have three days left at this job and I'm kind of nervous about being unemployed for two days!! What if my new employer calls me next week and says, "Well, because of the economy, we decided we aren't hiring right now." ???? I should stop worrying about things I can't control, I guess. I can't imagine God would send me this opportunity and then yank it away. He's not that type!!

Hair

I'm kind of bummed out about my hair. I'm sure I posted it before, but my hair (a lot of it) has fallen out since surgery. It started to grow back and then some fell out again because of the anemia!! I have a ton of new growth that's about an inch long and it's crazy!! It's so thin that I have to wrap an elastic around it at least four times to put it in a pony tail. My bangs are just non-existent. I know I shouldn't complain, but it really is driving me crazy!! Anyone know someone who does hair who is good enough to figure out something for me while my hair is growing back in??

Skiing

So. . . Adam is going to dare to take me skiing next weekend and I'm so excited!! The only problem is that I have no ski clothes to wear and I'm losing weight so fast, I hate to spend a lot of money on anything that will only fit for three weeks!! If anyone has any ski pants in a size 18, would you consider letting me borrow for a weekend?? I would also appreciate advice on how to dress!!! I'm cold all the time since I lost weight and my core temp is normally around 97 degrees now!! Warm will be key!

Technology

So I finally figured out how to add music and a slide show; however, I can't figure out how to move the slide show to the side. Oh well. . . it is what it is and where it is. I guess it will keep moving down?

Team photo

I'm so proud of my Above and Beyond team. We won the latest challenge and worked our little behinds off. What I noticed this time when I saw a picture of myself, was that I wasn't 20 times bigger than everyone else in the shot. I'm actually starting to look more normal now!!!

I do think this dress looks a bit fundamentalist though. I don't know that I will wear it again!! LOL

Caesar and his vet visit

It's official. I took him to the vet and Caesar is in heart failure. He is now on Lasix and a cardiac medication and will probably be on medication for the rest of his life. It was so sad to see him gasping for air and coughing this morning, I had to overdraft my account to take him in, but it was worth it. I'm just waiting for the Lasix to start working!! The vet said they usually don't live longer than one to two years after symptoms start showing, even with medication. I guess this next year Toby and I will do everything we can to make Caesar happy!!

154 pounds gone!

I don't know how I lost two pounds overnight, but it is what it is!!

Caesar is having trouble

Those of you who have been around me the past few years know that Caesar goes with me everywhere he can. He and I have been glued at the hip and he has been my best friend, when many humans would not have given me a second thought. Hehas been coughing a lot the past six months. I took him to the vet this summer, who did a chest x-ray and said his enlarged heart is pushing on his trachea, which causes coughing. He warned me that the heart will continue to enlarge and he will eventually go into heart failure. I noticed tonight that not only does he cough more often, he breaths really fast at night, like he's not getting enough air!! I'm sad to say that it's time to take him back to the vet and get him on a diuretic. I was hoping to get tires on my car and get it registered (it was due in July), but I think he will have to take priority even before Christmas for my family!! Eventually, it will get worse and he will need to be put down. From what I have read on the internet, they usually don't live longer than a year or two after symptoms start. He has been with me through some really difficult times in my life, he has loved me no matter what I look like, or anything I said or did wrong. He has just loved me for me and has been my best buddy. I am glad I am getting this new job because I am going to need a little more money so I can take him in. I just want him to hang in there for another month!! I do love him.

Update on work drama

So. . . the coworker who has been so mean seems to have a change of heard, perhaps only temporary. She is pretty moody, but I just have to accept her as is. I can't remember if I posted this or not but last Sunday, while trying to decide how to handle her, I woke up and turned on conference rebroadcasts. For those of you reading who are not members of the LDS church, twice a year my church holds a conference where leaders of the church speak to members all over the world. When I turned it on, one of the leaders was speaking about having Christlike courage. Then it went to another speaker who discussed why the church doesn't fight back to defend itself against people who say bad things about it. The lesson was that we have to be an example and forgive. My Ensign subscription has run out, so I need to find this article online at lds.org because it was incredible. It talked about pride and how pride makes us want to defend ourselves, when in reality we are only defending the pride. I don't know if that makes sense or not, but I took little gifts to coworkers for Halloween on Thursday and made sure I had one for her. She seemed rather touched and gave me a Halloween necklace to wear for the day since I had no costume. So. . . she is talking again and if tomorrow is a different story, I will still do the same. Appreciate her for her strengths and let her work out her weaknesses on my own. I'll leave the pride at home and just treat her like I treat everyone. . . I try just to be kind.

I hate technology

So I figured out how to put a slideshow bar on here, but can't figure out how to get my pictures from PhotoBucket INTO the slideshow!! Anyone have any idea??? HELP. . . technologically challenged.

152 pounds down!!

Two more down. Unfortunately, I woke up feeling really dizzy today for some reason. Not sure why, but was happy to see I lost two more pounds this week. My. . . it's interesting that I'm actually more obsessed with my weight now than I was when I was 370 pounds. LOL.

Old eating habits

I noticed the past week while housesitting for my parents that old eating habits, such as grazing, have started to creep back into my life. It scares me quite a bit, though I caught it pretty quickly. I just don't get it. I'm losing weight like crazy and I still sabotaged by engaging in poor eating behavior!! It just goes to prove that having gastric bypass doesn't all of a sudden make everything easy. It's not sunshine and roses, because I'm STILL me. . . all the good and the bad. So. . . I'm going to have to get a handle on this soon!! I'm not even close to being done losing! I also haven't weighed in a week because I haven't been home, so I'm a little nervous about weighing in the morning!!

Update

Sometimes I wish I could just find a lot of money somewhere!! I think the worst part of my life right now surrounds money, or lack thereof. I know some of you are reading this blog from across country and will need a little background on this. My church, the LDS church, believes in paying tithing, or 10% of your income, to the church. It is an act of faith and is in the scriptures, which is why it is widely practiced by many other Christian religions. I have not been very good at this and this paycheck I really wanted to pay my 10%; however, then my car broke down and by the time I paid rent and the car repair, I had less than my tithing amount would be. I still had not purchased gasoline for my car or purchased groceries. So, now I"m left with 40$, which isn't a full tithe but is all I have for two weeks. If you have any experience with this or comments that might help me figure out what to do, please share with me!! I believe in God and I know he has really been watching over me. I know it is because of Him that I got this new job and I am so grateful. I would think it would be easy just to hand over the money and deal with nothing. I could take the train and bus to work to save gas. It's just so scary to hand over that last bit.

Jealousy rears its ugly head

So I told the coworker who has been treating me badly about my new job this morning. She said, "What makes you think YOU can do HR work?" That was it She ignored me most of the day except to make another rude comment about how I won't be going to the seminar I have been helping with if I was training someone. I said, "That's my last day. . .that's not my concern. I'm going to the training and going home." Everyone just looked at me with shocked looks on their faces. She is one of those people who are miserable in her life and she hates to see someone else do well. It's as though the smaller I get and the happier I become. . .the meaner she is to me. Is this jealousy? My other coworkers were shocked today too when she sent me an email telling me (not asking) to make sure I clean my desk today and put everything away because it bothers her that my personal things are out when she does the mail for me when I'm gone. I'm going to be out on Monday. The good thing is that the next three weeks will go by very quickly and when all is said and done. . . I will be off to start a career with better pay than she makes. . . and she will still be there. I won't have to deal with it anymore. The other job doesn't know what I looked like before. They just know me for who I am now. I feel bad for her. I really do hope that she finds a way to let some happiness in her life. Mainly. . . I'm just hoping she doesn't try to make my last three weeks miserable.

New Job

I accepted the job with MediConnect Global at 40 K a year, which is a $3.50 raise for me!! It's also a profession and not just a job, which is about time for me. I'm 36 and it's time that I have something permanent that can lead somewhere. It's an HR position and after a few months if I want to, she wants to move me into an account management position!!!! I am so excited, I can hardly stand it!!! My boss isn't going to make me pay back my $5,000 tuition reimbursement, which is very kind of him because they could!!He was so happy for me and sad at the same time. I gave almost a month's notice, so I start the new job on November 24th. I will be uninsured in December and January, which is scary!! Sometimes in order to get something better, you have to be willing to take a chance!! I can't imagine God would make all this work if He didn't believe it would be better for me. I don't believe He's into punishing people just for fun!

WAHOO

New milestone!!! I have finally hit the 150-pound lost milestone!!! I'm so excited and it's only been nine months since surgery!!! WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO WAHOO

Memory Grove and other stuff

I spent the morning trying to put together my team's paper for school and was so frustrated!!! I decided the dogs and I had to get out of the house and get some air. We went to a place downtown called Memory Grove. It's a beautiful nature area and there is an area of the park on the east side of the river that is an off leash dog area. It is right by the Capitol complex where I work and I often walk there during lunch breaks. My dogs had never been there until today. I was so frustrated and my car overheated on the way. All I could do was be cross with the dogs who were just excited to get out of the house. Once we got to the off leash, lush, foresty area my stress just went away!! It was so great to see the dogs explore and be happy together! I felt very blessed to have them and to live in such a beautiful state. We went off trail for quite a bit and hiked up the steep hills, across the water, etc. Toby is filthy, but he had so much fun!! Caesar was our protector when other dogs approached. It was cute because Toby tends to stay at my heels whenever he is off leash. he gets nervous and feels safe when he is by me. It's cute. Also. . . I was given a job offer for a HR position at that company. The bad news is that it is only about 93 cents an hour more, which was disappointing. I got the insurance information Friday and it is way more expensive and worse coverage!! I am going to ask for two dollars more an hour and see what they do. If they say no. . . I will just stay where I am.

LOLOLOL when people don't recognize me

I met an old coworker at my old place of employment today and no one recognized me!! It was hilarious when they greeted my old coworker (who quit there are few months ago) and just smiled at me until I explained who I was. They looked at me in shock and would immediately hug me!! It was so funny to see their faces!!! I loved every second of it. It's funny to me because I feel like the same person inside, but I realize that it is such a shock to see me 147 pounds lighter in such a short time!! I guess I would be shocked too!

NAILED IT

I had an interview today for a management position at MediConnect Global. Honestly, I wasn't really looking for a new job because the benefits with the state are so good. I heard the MediConnect CEO speak at Orrin Hatch's Womens Conference on Monday and she was absolutely incredible!! I told her through email that I appreciate her presentation and that it was an answer to a prayer for me because I had no idea what I was going to do with a medical background when I get my communication degree. She was so motivating and really forced the idea that there really is nothing we can accomplish if we have passion. I thanked her for that and told her that if I can lose 147 pounds in eight months I can do anything!! She responded by asking for my resume! So I went in today for the interview and I think I nailed it!! I just finished an hour-long evaluation, which was more like an IQ test, complete with algebra!! I'm so exhausted because it wouldn't let me use a calculator!!!!! I forgot how to multiply fractions and I got an A- in algebra in January and I did that on the final just fine!! So, now they will think I'm stupid, but I will wait and see. Honestly, if they offer it to me I don't know what to do. What do I do about losing tuition reimbursement and possibly having to repay what the state has given me for reimbursement? There are so many what ifs. I'm in a job now where I really don't have anything to do but answer the phone and do homework. There is no challenge, no self-esteem related to what I do. This job would be incredibly important to the company and they would pay me well. I don't know if they have a tuition reimbursement, but if they offer me a job I will ask about insurance, benefits, tuition reimbursement, etc. Can I do it without reimbursement? Yes. . . I can put any extra money I make above what I have now into savings to save money to pay off the last three classes that won't be covered. I look forward to getting $577 dollars every five weeks though!! Anyone have any advice for me??? I could use some because I'm scared.

Ahhh. . . Puppy

Isn't Toby adorable?? He was so fascinated by the camera on the laptop. He kept posing for one picture after another!! So I'm 147 pounds gone and I walked four miles today. I'm hoping I can hit 150 by Monday!! Wouldn't that be cool to hit that milestone at only eight months postop???? My coworker finally has decided to stop hating me, which is nice. It's finally civil at work and it makes it so the days aren't painful anymore. It really makes for a long day when you aren't getting along with someone. Honestly, I still have no idea what I really did wrong so I guess I don't have to worry about it. If you're reading this. . . hope you're doing well.

Healing and feeling old. . . LOL

So. . . I will be 36 on Sunday and I am so happy that I will be 145 pounds lighter this year than last year. My birthday wish last year was that I would be smaller by my 36th birthday. It's amazing though that the more weight I lose the more my back hurts!!! I went to physical therapy yesterday and today, which has helped some but I thought losing weight was supposed to fix all the pain. LOL. Doctors lie!!! Also, most of you know that I am a student. I was told that my student loan limits were going to be reached before I was done with classes and I was really worried about how I was going to come up with $6,000!!!! I don't want anything to stop me from graduating this time. My ex stopped me last time when I lost ex's second income and had to leave school so close to graduation. You guys also know that I am a firm believer in prayer. It doesn't matter if you go to church or not, prayers are answered. I prayed that somehow there would be a way to help me graduate. Yesterday, I was told that the government increased the loan limits from 47,000 dollars to 57,000 dollars!!! So. . . now I will only have to pay for about two classes (3,000) and if I save all my tuition reimbursement, I will have enough!!!! My coworker is being quite difficult lately. It seems that she is a huge control freak and is trying to control me as well (since I am the peon in the office, I am the easiest target). It's been exhausting to be around someone who not only doesn't communicate well in general, but who now is upset that I weigh less than her and that I am happy. It's as though she wants me to be miserable like her and I hate being around people like that. We are on day seven of the silent treatment right now and I can't stand it. She's 50+ and acts like she's 12. My only feeling of sanity comes from knowing that I will graduate and leave there to something better. Some day I will ahve a graduate degree and she will be an insurance adjuster who couldn't find an insurance job and is still working as a secretary!!! Her husband can't (or won't) find a full-time job so she has a lot of stress, but it isn't my fault.

Strange hunger

Since my surgery last Friday, I have been wanting to eat every two hours. Isn't that strange? I wonder if it is my body's way of prompting me to eat more to help with healing?? Since protein encourages cell regeneration, I guess it is a possibility; however, I don't want to eat protein. I want to eat fruit, etc. Hmmm. . . strange. I haven't stepped on the scale. If anyone actually reads this and is wondering about surgery. . . keep in mind that bowel movements will never be the same. I have used Miralax for four days and NOTHING!

WHEW

I must say that I am really happy that I didn't need pain medicine today until 7:30 pm!!! Things are lookin' up! I was also feeling pretty grateful for some awesome health insurance. My surgery will probably only cost me about 300 dollars out of pocket and I have a benefit card to cover the costs so it doesn't have to come out of my pocket!!! WOW. . . lucky. AND. . . as of this morning. . . 140 pounds gone!!

Proof that God knows. .. LOL

I was supposed to go back to work today and woke up feeling really sore. I forgot that driving a car over bumpy roads can also cause pain. By the time I reached the Capitol I was seriously wondering how I was going to make it through 11 hours (including lunch). When I arrived, Highway Patrolmen were lined up at the entrances telling employees to go home. There was a water main break and they had to close the Capitol Complex today. So. . . God loved me so much that he flooded the Capitol so I could have another day off!!! Talk about gratitude!!

Feeling better!

I got up this morning and felt a little sore, but it was dealable. I kept coughing up a lot of phlegm so I took Caesar for a short walk to get my lungs cleared out. Then I took a nap, woke up and picked up Toby from my parents. I could only stay at their house for an hour or so until I was finally in enough pain that I had to come home and take something. I work tomorrow for 10 hours and I realize I will probably have to take pain medicine while I am there, but I think I can do it. I also took a shower tonight and didn't have any trouble!!! I'm pretty sore right now and am just going to hang in bed for the rest of the night.

Better

I feel a lot better today and am less whiney. I re-read my Lortab-induced post from yesterday and said to myself, "geez. .. what a whiner." I think that the hard thing is. . . it's times like that when I remember that I'm still not married. It's just a reminder that I have a great family and everything, but there's no one to really share in those parts of my life. . . you know, like a spouse does. Oh well. . . never know what the next year will hold! BUT. .. I do need to stop whining. LOL

Home from the hospital

I met with the surgeon yesterday about the gallbladder pain and he admitted me to the hospital. He said I was too dehydrated and sick (malnourished) for him to operate but he did my surgery this morning after a lot of fluids and vitamins. He noticed that my liver was no longer fatty, but it had a strange nodular look, so he took a biopsy. That pain is actually worse than the gastric bypass. I will find out the results in about five days. I couldn't believe how much pain I was in when I woke up in recovery. They gave me Fentanyl, but it dropped my blood pressure so low that they were afraid to give me any more than two doses, neither of which removed the pain. I went back to my hospital room and the nurse gave me some Demerol, which did help a bit. Typical of the new me, despite severe pain, I wanted to get up and go to the bathroom right away so I could speed the healing process. I was also used to getting up on my own to the restroom and just taking care of myself because the night before I was doing pretty well and didn't need any help up out of bed. Today, I tried to do the same thing and upset my Nazi CNA, who wanted me to call for help first. If I waited for her, I would have wet the bed each time! I realize that I like being a hospital employee much better than a patient. The worst thing was that I felt totally alone. My parents weren't able to come visit at all on Thursday and no one was there when I came out of surgery. My dad did show up about 30 minutes after I got back to my room and I felt so relieved to see someone, especially when I was in so much pain. My mom finally showed up around 5 pm Friday to take me home. She bought me my new favorite meal, a taco, on the way home and a salad for tomorrow. She is also going to keep my dogs another night. I don't think I can get up and down the steps of my apartment building to let the dogs out all day. I do appreciate that. I hate it that my life is getting so much better, but it just makes me feel more and more aware of not being in a relationship. I walked around the hospital unit and looked at everyone else surrounded by husbands, wives, loved ones, etc. and it kind of broke my heart. I hope that Heavenly Father has something in store for me because I have a lot to offer someone now, especially now that I am getting smaller and smaller. My waist size is now the same size as my thigh was before I started losing weight!! I was proud of myself though because last time I was in a hospital bed there on the unit, I completely filled the bed with no room to spare. This time, I fit just great and had so much room to move around! I also feel stronger, healthier, and better prepared to take care of myself, so I made my mom just drop me off at home. Sometimes the best medicine is your own bed!!! Anyway. . . sorry for the long post. Just wanted to leave an update.

Grateful

I was thinking today, which is always dangerous. . . I was thinking about how much my life has changed since January. I took Trax and a bus to work this morning and I haven't done that since the week before surgery. I remember taking up the whole aisle in the train and people having to move around me. I also used to take up both seats on the train. . . now I don't. I would fill up the whole seat and my stomach was a few inches away from the back of the seat in front of me. Now. . . I look almost like everyone else when I sit down. Even the creepy guys on the train stare at me now, which is a new thing. I was told to get used to it because the smaller I get, the creepier they become. It's a strange feeling to HAVE to plan a future now. I honestly didn't think I would live long enough to have one. I don't think I wanted to live long the way I was. I went from wanting to hide from life to feeling like I want to be part of the world again. It's such a blessing that I can't believe God would love me enough to make it happen. That my grandparents would love me and care enough about my future to help me have this surgery is amazing. They don't have that kind of money to just give away. It helps remind me that I have worth. . . some day I hope to discover what my future holds. I'm hoping for a great guy. LOLOL.

Just waiting. . . and aching. . . and waiting

Any of you ever have those days when you just wonder what else can go wrong? Everything seems to come in threes, I guess. Kidney stone, gall stones, and now my car! Seems like every time I plan a surgery my car picks that time to have trouble. LOL. Maybe I should stop sharing my plans with my car?? So. . . I meet with the surgeon on Thursday and then we plan surgery. I'm hoping they will just add me on the surgery schedule Thursday or Friday. I don't really have much time off work (three days) and I would like to save it instead of wasting it on my gall bladder!! The surgeon's new nurse is an idiot and didn't understand what I was saying about being an add on for Friday. She is obviously not that oriented to how things work in medicine. I'm really glad I have medical experience. I can't imagine what it is like for people to have surgery who have no knowledge of how things work. It would be scary. So. . . cross your fingers that I can get it over with this week. I'm tired of feeling crappy every time I eat!!! I avoided eating Monday, which caused me to lose two pounds; however, I would prefer to eat!! BTW. . . 137 pounds gone!!! 90 to go.

LONG, PAINFUL DAY

I doubled over today in pain. . . I thought I was going to die!! I have never experienced pain like that and my brother took me to the E.R. I was covered in sweat and my temp was so low, due to shock, that it wasn't registering on their thermometer!! It turns out that not only do I have gallstones that are acting up, I also have a KIDNEY STONE!! OMG. . .Supposedly it is worse than childbirth and with both of them, I was miserable. I have developed a fondness for morphine though!! I love it like nothing else on Earth! Well. . . I can't eat the foods I love more than anything, so morphine is as good as I can get! I'm home now and worried because the pain is starting to come back a little bit and I only have Lortab. I hope it works!! I guess I will ahve to get my gallbladder removed now!

Toby

I sent a picture of Toby to his breeder and she immediately wrote to me and told me I shouldn't have him neutered. I'm not sure how I feel about being a puppy pimp!! It seems so wrong. Anyone have any suggestions or advice on this?? Yes. . . he IS adorable, but I don't know if I want to deal with the personality changes that go with the hormones either!! Having him possibly mark my house isn't an ideal thought!!

Salt and Pepper hiking dogs

I took my dogs hiking in Millcreek canyon today to Dog Lake. It is a three mile hike each direction and I was pretty worried about taking a 14-year-old and a 7-month-old dog on a long hike like that. Caesar just came alive!!! He cruised up and didn't really look like he was feeling anything until the last 1/4 mile that is all up hill. Toby did a great job too and his whole 5 pound frame managed to get him up and back with only being carried for about a mile total!!!!! I was so proud of them, though we all came back pretty filthy!! It was a pack shower and I was the only member of the pack who likes to shower. LOLOL

Lagoon!!

I went to Lagoon today for the first time in years. Last time I went I had to get off the rollercoaster because the lap bar wouldn't lock into place. Today. . . my mom and I went together. I have lost 130 pounds and she has lost 40, so we decided to see how much of a difference it made. I FIT IN EVERY RIDE I WANTED!!! My mom and I fit together in Jet Star II!!! I am so grateful right now. New worlds are opening up to me. I saw a woman sitting on a bench reading who probably weighs as much as I did. I know her heart was breaking to watch everyone else ride and have fun. I hope she has someone to help her like I did. I hope my grandparents realize how grateful I am that they paid for my gastric bypass. What they did was buy me a future!!! I have also started a jogging regimen to build my stamina for jogging. I don't know why, but I have it in my head that the ultimate goal would be to be able to run or jog a mile in 10 or 15 minutes. That is my goal and I don't know how long it will take. I don't care. . . I WILL do it.

Funny!!

I worked as an usher Friday night for the Deer Valley Music Festival. It rained most of the day but cleared up by the time people arrived for the concert. The problem was that there was mud everywhere and I wore flip flops with NO tread. All the concert goers did fine and no one fell. Well. . . except me. I did it TWICE!!! ROFLMAO. It was so freaking funny. The first time was while I was removing tags from the back of the chairs after the concert and I slipped going down one of the aisles. I landed on the ground with one leg under me. The second time was while I was getting my things together to leave. I was laughing with someone about falling when I fell the second time. This time I landed right on my back side!!! I miss that padding I have lost!! Today, I can barely sit down it hurts so bad!!! LOLOLOL I guess there ARE some drawbacks to losing weight! My pants were a muddy mess on BOTH sides.

Okay.. . can't figure out how to make the picture smaller. It's not a great picture, as I am wearing no makeup and am sick. My left eye is also swollen. LOL. It does show that I have lost another chin in the last three weeks!! Where do they go??? I just got back from vacation in Scottsdale at the Four Seasons with my mom and brother. It was so posh and I had a great time. I even hung out by the pool!! Can you believe it?? I can't wait until this time next year when I look decent enough to hang out by the pool! LOLOL. My seatbelt on the airplane actually fit!! Can you believe it?? It's been so many years since I have been able to use the seatbelt on an airplane. I guess that if you have never been as big as a house, you will not be able to understand how cool that is. I came back home with a cold, but I lost two more pounds on vacation. WHO LOSES WEIGHT ON VACATION??? Wait. . . I guess I do!! Wow. . . things have sure changed.

YAHOO

119 pounds now!!! So. .. . I went to the Deer Valley concert on Saturday by myself (couldn't find anyone to go with me). I had no problem walking from the parking lot to the booth this year, unlike previous years. I stopped to look at sweatshirts for sale and I couldn't figure out what size I am now. The lady suggested I try and large and I told her the only larges I wear have numbers in front of them (2XL, 3XL, etc). She laughed and told me to try it. I now own a LARGE sweatshirt. . . not gargantuan!! Then I looked at the seating. . . They have little camping type chairs and I worried I wouldn't fit in them. I had NO problem!! It was so much fun and the concert was wonderful. I made friends with a couple sitting next to me and we danced the twist during one of the songs!! I left there feeling so happy to be alive and to be able to do things I couldn't do before. I loved it so much that I volunteered for the rest of the music festival!!! I get free tickets, so everyone should make friends with me!!

It worked

Switching back to protein did the trick. .. three pounds gone!! Today is my six month surgiversary and I'm down 115 pounds!! I'm so happy!!!

Ahhh. . . I hate food

So. . . if you haven't had a food addiction, I guess you won't understand this post and you can just stop reading now. The thing is. . . I LOVE food. I have always loved food. When I'm upset, angry, happy, sad, bored, etc. . . I use food as a drug. It's been very effective, except that it got me up to 370 freakin' pounds!! The surgery has been great because I have been afraid to try things with sugar in them; however, I started to experiment with those little dang goldfish crackers. Talk about addicting. They're cute, cheesy, tasty, crunchy, and they have a smile on them!! I originally bought them to use while hiking, but they kept sneaking out of the cupboard and jumped into my mouth. So. . . I'm now back off carbs entirely again. Today was my first day on all protein again and I am pleased that I was able to do it. I craved all afternoon!! It's insane!! Is it possible that they could be evil???